Skip to main content

Bitterness with infertility

It can be hard.  Really really hard.  Most days are fine.  You can cope with your childless void, and exist in every day life with a smile and truly be happy for your friends and family with children.  With pregnancy announcements and baby showers.  Most days I'm happy for them.  Excited with them even. 

  BUT then there are the days I miss my period.  I'll go months being completely regular and then out of no where I miss.  For no reason.  I wait a week after i miss my period to take a pregnancy test, just to be safe to make sure af doesn't show her ugly stupid face.  I imagine myself telling jared we are pregnant, us telling our parents, doing a gender reveal,  having a baby shower,  ultrasounds, heck I even picture myself with a big ole pregnant belly.   But the catch? Test is always negative.  I'm never pregnant,  even when i miss.  Never.  It's just a sick game my body plays with my head that ends with me being dissappinted, upset, and angry every time it happens.  But it never fails.

  I get bitter.  Bitter towards my friends with kids, bitter towards strangers, bitter towards god.  I dont mean to be.  I dont want to be.  But it's something that just happens having your emotions toyed with constantly for 2 years straight.   It gets to you.   I question why god doesn't think I am good enough to carry a child,  heck to even get pregnant with one.  What's wrong with me? Why is it so easy for literally everyone around us, yet seems literally impossible for us. 

  At the end of the day I am thankful for all that we do have,  but some days are not as easy to cope with infertility as others.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Advice to new home health aides

  Home Health Aide/ HHA, Personal Care Aide/ PCA.  That's what i am.  That's what i do.  It's a job that I continue to find my way back to.    Being a home health care provider is not an easy job, but it's a rewarding one.   Don't get me wrong, you'll have easy clients.  The ones that just want to sit and chat,  or watch movies,  or bake, or make crafts, or play cards, etc.   And the memories you make are amazing.  Your client becomes apart of your family,  and you apart of there's.   They make your time at work incredibly enjoyable and you are so so very thankful for your job.  And for them.  These clients are so appreciative of you, and everything you do.  They treat you with respect and love.  And you just enjoy working for them,  and they enjoy your company. You'll also have some difficult clients.   The ones who feel their way is the only way and they will ride a stick up your behind until you do it exactly how they want it done ( no, not literall
Post a Comment
Read more

A letter to the girl I was 5 years ago

  Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's been 5 years.  15 doesn't seem that far off.   But that's how life is.... time passes us by,  things change, and life goes on.  15 was a crazy year, huh? There Was bad,  and there was good.   I can still remember that year like it was yesterday.  I'm sure I'll never forget it, as that year was a very impactful year for me.  I turned 15 on January 28th 2013.  The beginning of that year was pretty normal for me.  I was a freshman at Eastern High School, Skinny,  Pretty,  Carefree, Lots of friends,  but tender hearted and naive.   I went to parties frequently (that my parents had no idea about) and I was pretty much your typical average teenage  girl.  Until my best friend since middle school betrayed me and all of my secrets.  I was embarrassed, I was alone, and suicidal.   I ended up enrolling in Ecot for homeschooling because I was just so depressed.  I did good with Ecot for a while, but i missed having friends... So I s
Post a Comment
Read more