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Bitterness with infertility

It can be hard.  Really really hard.  Most days are fine.  You can cope with your childless void, and exist in every day life with a smile and truly be happy for your friends and family with children.  With pregnancy announcements and baby showers.  Most days I'm happy for them.  Excited with them even. 

  BUT then there are the days I miss my period.  I'll go months being completely regular and then out of no where I miss.  For no reason.  I wait a week after i miss my period to take a pregnancy test, just to be safe to make sure af doesn't show her ugly stupid face.  I imagine myself telling jared we are pregnant, us telling our parents, doing a gender reveal,  having a baby shower,  ultrasounds, heck I even picture myself with a big ole pregnant belly.   But the catch? Test is always negative.  I'm never pregnant,  even when i miss.  Never.  It's just a sick game my body plays with my head that ends with me being dissappinted, upset, and angry every time it happens.  But it never fails.

  I get bitter.  Bitter towards my friends with kids, bitter towards strangers, bitter towards god.  I dont mean to be.  I dont want to be.  But it's something that just happens having your emotions toyed with constantly for 2 years straight.   It gets to you.   I question why god doesn't think I am good enough to carry a child,  heck to even get pregnant with one.  What's wrong with me? Why is it so easy for literally everyone around us, yet seems literally impossible for us. 

  At the end of the day I am thankful for all that we do have,  but some days are not as easy to cope with infertility as others.

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