Finding Myself

It can be hard.  Really really hard.  Most days are fine.  You can cope with your childless void, and exist in every day life with a smile and truly be happy for your friends and family with children.  With pregnancy announcements and baby showers.  Most days I'm happy for them.  Excited with them even.    BUT then there are the days I miss my period.  I'll go months being completely regular and then out of no where I miss.  For no reason.  I wait a week after i miss my period to take a pregnancy test, just to be safe to make sure af doesn't show her ugly stupid face.  I imagine myself telling jared we are pregnant, us telling our parents, doing a gender reveal,  having a baby shower,  ultrasounds, heck I even picture myself with a big ole pregnant belly.   But the catch? Test is always negative.  I'm never pregnant,  even when i miss.  Never.  It's just a sick game my body plays with my head that ends with me being dissappinted, upset, and angry every time it happ

  Home Health Aide/ HHA, Personal Care Aide/ PCA.  That's what i am.  That's what i do.  It's a job that I continue to find my way back to.    Being a home health care provider is not an easy job, but it's a rewarding one.   Don't get me wrong, you'll have easy clients.  The ones that just want to sit and chat,  or watch movies,  or bake, or make crafts, or play cards, etc.   And the memories you make are amazing.  Your client becomes apart of your family,  and you apart of there's.   They make your time at work incredibly enjoyable and you are so so very thankful for your job.  And for them.  These clients are so appreciative of you, and everything you do.  They treat you with respect and love.  And you just enjoy working for them,  and they enjoy your company. You'll also have some difficult clients.   The ones who feel their way is the only way and they will ride a stick up your behind until you do it exactly how they want it done ( no, not literall

  As most of you know, jared and I have been trying to conceive for almost 2 years now with no luck.  Today I had my first doctors apt with a new doctor.  I am so happy to say that we are finally getting somewhere!   I go back for testing on January 29th, and again Febuary 29th to make sure i am ovulating and test all of my hormone levels,  I was given Info on a place for jared to go get his sperm count checked.    I know this is just a start but i am over the moon happy that we are finally going to be getting some answers, and I just wanted to share.  For the first time ever the focus wasn't just on my weight. Prayers ❤ love and baby dust! 

  I never thought that I would actually have to go through this.   I always worried about it even as a little girl, I just never imagined i would actually suffer from it. " You're just 20 ", the doctors say.  "You still have time,  what's the rush " , "finish college first ", " Why do you even want kids right now?" "You're overweight that's why you aren't getting pregnant".  Those are the things I am told when i try to reach out for help.   Febuary 9th will be two years of trying for my husband and i.  It's heartbreaking,  and it just isn't fair.  But life isn't fair.    Somedays I'm fine, actually most days I'm fine.  But there are days when i let sadness, anger, jealousy and bitterness consume my mind.  I try not too.  I hate those feelings and it makes me feel like I am a horrible person for feeling that way.   These past 2 years I've watched so many friends get blessed with what we wer

  Once again another year has come and gone.   2018 was kind of a challenging year.   We moved out of our home and back in with my parents ( due to us buying a home that we are still in the process of completely remodeling ) but we are getting closer and closer to being back in our own house.  It was another year of trying for baby #1 with no success at all.  It was also the first year since we have graduated that we didn't get to take our yearly vacation.  2018 was kinda tough, but i truely believe 2019 will be a year to remember.  My hopes for 2019! And things I'm looking forward too.  - I start college January 14th! -  My 21st birthday is on January 28th! Finally legal to drink in public, without the hubby having to buy them for me.  💋 - Moving into our house! Only a little left to do.  I can't wait to have our house done and have all of our own things back.   I'm kinda decorating as we get each room painted so... it's gonna be so cozy! - March 4th is our 2